Repost – My Commencement Speech

Posted on May 22, 2013 by

This was originally posted about a year ago, but with many kids putting on the cap and gown and getting ready to head into the “real world” it’s still just as relevant today. And, as I have many new followers who maybe haven’t seen this before, I thought you’d enjoy how I might have given a commencement speech.
If I were asked to give one that is.

Enjoy.

********

Talking with my kids tonight it hit me that there is only a couple weeks left in the school year. And, while they are a ways off from graduation and moving on (Unfortunately? Fortunately? Whatever), it got me to thinking back…long back to when I was graduating high school and later college. There was so much excitement to move on to the “next chapter” of my life.

After all these years, I’d like to think I’ve acquired some wisdom. Perhaps misguided wisdom, but nonetheless my experiences have gotten me to where I am today.

You all know that I like to “give back” to the world via my Dear CV segment (btw, it’s been awhile since y’all have sent me any pleas for help…hint…). So, I thought it appropriate to give my version of the Commencement Speech. There have been some doozies over time and, while I could never live up to the likes of Steve Jobs’ version I’d like to think I have something to offer to those who are about to venture out into the real world.

So, without further ado I bring you: CV’s Commencement Speech.

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On the road again. Part 3 – Homeward Bound

Posted on May 20, 2013 by

After a  long week on the road for your job the first thing you want to do when it’s the last day of the trip is get outta dodge. Unfortunately, I still had a rather full day of being a prostitute for my pimp, otherwise known as the company I work for and my bossman.

The week had been going great so far. Well, in this case great means wearing teenage boy pants, eating a salad with ice cube tongs at a time when most people were sound asleep and of course the biggest thing of all – no coffee in my hotel room! I still call bullshit.

Part 1 and Part 2 go into more detail about these adventures.
OK, now that the we’ve done the obligatory, “Previously on CV’s travel adventures” lead in, let’s catch up with our hero (me) on the final leg of this long and winding road trip.

  • I awoke in one of the two double beds in my room. The one on the left, as I had slept in the one on the right the previous night…just…because…I…could.
  • With a little while before the first meetings of the day, it made sense to put on the workout clothes and lace up the running shoes.
    Dash out the door. Down the hall and pause for the elevator. Pause. Pause. Is this freaking thing going to stop at every floor?
    Finally at the first floor, I was off.
    Down the hall toward the lobby and the front door.
    Coffee Stand!
    Wait you didn’t think I was actually going for a run did you?
    Silly readers.
  • Workout done. Coffee obtained. And, now time to pack up.
    Open suitcase.
    Grab all clothes not wearing today and shove them in.
    Done.
  • Halfway through meeting number one, my coworker travel partner,  you may remember him as the sucker bag checker, announces, “welp I’ve gotta head to the airport for an early flight, but I’m going to leave you in good hands with CV.”
    Bullshit!
    Looks like I’m presenting during lunch again.
  • Two hours later, my trusty iPhone makes that familiar noise
    BUZZ.  BUZZ.photo
    Asshole.
  • Yet, I will use this advice to my advantage.
    “Folks, it would seem that the security lines are huge. If I don’t get home tonight Mrs. CV will not be happy. An unhappy Mrs and well…’nuff said folks.”
  • And, I was off!
    TAXI!
    …
    TAXI!!!!
    …<really?>…
    TAXI!!!!!!!!
    And, NOW I’m off.
  • Taxi dude (use the Kwik-E-Mart guy from the Simpsons voice): Hello boss, what airline?
    Me: Southwest.
    Taxi dude: Oh that is unfortunate. I hope you get some food first.
    Me: Yeah, thanks for the advice <jackass>.
  • Taxi dude (still use the voice please): That’ll be $44 boss. Plus tip of course.
    Me: (rolls eyes) OK, I’m going to charge it.
    Taxi dude: Ummm you don’t have cash?
    Me: Not enough.
    Taxi dude: (huge sigh) OK boss. Swipe card.
  • At the counter…
    “Will you be checking bags?”
    Me: No. Checking bags is for…No, I’m carrying on.
    “That’ll be Gate 47 in Terminal C.”
  • OK, I’m here 2.5 hours ahead. This has got to be enough time even with hellacious security lines that Sucker Bag Checker warned.
    Two escalators later and I rush up to the airports version of Space Mountain ride at Disneyland expecting the worst…
    imagesWhat the? There’s no one here! Is there a problem? I musta gone to the wrong terminal. Nope C. Hmmm, well Sucker Bag Checker was wrong. At least I’ll have plenty of time for food.
  • Shoes off (I’m over 12). Jacket off (I’m under 75). Laptop out.
    “Sir, make sure you don’t have anything in your pockets!”
    Me: Like a boarding pass?
    “Yep that’ll likely set it off!”
    <yeah you’re about to see me set something off – note, I’m only thinking that or I’ll end up the bitch of one Lt. Cmdr. TSA.
  • One escalator, one tram, another escalator and a long walk later and I’m at the heart of Terminal C.
    Alright food and drink are in order as I have a lot of time to kill.
    Thankfully, I get to eat in the bar this time. After all, I already lost my cherry once.
    But, first, I’ve gotta get out of Kid 1′s pants!
  • Ducking into the men’s room <drat the handicap stall is occupied>…into a normal stall.
    Do NOT touch anything!
  • My bathroom stall gymnastics are complete.
    And, somehow I managed to not have a single article of clothing touch anything!

Pro Tip: if any article on your person touches anything in the bathroom at an airport throw it out immediately, whether it’s Louis Vuitton or a T from the Walmart. It can’t be saved.

  • Safely at the sports bar in Terminal C and thankfully there’s one open table.
    Unfortunately, there’s no waiter/waitress so, despite what Lt Cmdr TSA says, I’m leaving my bag unattended in a quest for a Jack and Coke.
  • Observing a line 3 deep, I ask, “Is this the line?”
    Drunkard 20 something girl in yoga pants that would be small on my daughter says, “umm like eeeyeaaah.”
    As we wait in line Drunkard 20 something girl in yoga pants proceeds to tell dude sitting at bar ogling her, “It’s funny because my flight was delayed 3 times and I’ve been in this bar for 6 hours. And, I DON’T even drink!”
    Bartender: what’ll it be this time?
    Drunkard 20 something girl in yoga pants: I’ll have a vodka cranberry and make it a double this time. The line is craaaaazy long!
  • Having downed my club sandwich and a double Jack and Coke x 2 on the advice of the drunkard 20 something girl in yoga pants advice it was time to head to the gate and board the plane.
  • After drinking that much, whether water or alcohol, make sure to have an aisle seat, because you’re gonna need to use the facility. And, again….don’t touch anything.
  • Next thing I remember is landing and having to change planes in some mid-West flyover city. Freaking Southwest.
    And, I’m off again. And, out again…sound asleep.
  • Safely on the ground back home. No bags to claim so it’s straight to the Long Term Parking buses.
    Almost there now. Looking forward to seeing the family.
    “The next stop will serve section’s M, N and S.”
    M, N and S?  Think they skipped a few. Ok whatever.
    images-1I could’ve sworn I was in Section N.
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The Weekly TPS Report – May 17

Posted on May 17, 2013 by

Busy week on the road for work, but happy to be heading home today.

Relative to work, you can read about my travels here in: Part 1 – The Departure and Part 2 – The Destination

Beyond that…

  • Men despite what this says, you should not use it “that” way BKBJ5NlCAAAPASD
  • If you aren’t watching 60 minutes on a weekly basis, you should. Great in-depth stories.
  • Some people take pills when they travel. I self medicate too, but these are my meds of choice.

BKQlIlQCYAA6fnA

  • So Starbucks has a secret menu. Turns out they named one of the drinks after the Trustafarians that use their bathrooms for cleaning up – The Dirty Hippy.
  • Someone asked me this week to review a slide deck for them. It had over 100 slides. So, I told him that I was done. He said, “already?”
    “Yup, it was easy”, I told him.
    “Ok, what changes would you make?”, he asked.
    To which I replied, “delete at least 90 of the slides.”
  • Hey, I appreciate other cultures and the diversity they bring to me. I also love food. But, if you bring Indian food into your cube for lunch you will be met with severe bodily harm.
  • Someone helped me realize a great truth this week.
    Pizza is like sex. Let me explain.
    I think of pizza typically three or more times a day, yet I only get it at most once a week.

In this week’s News Ripped From The Headlines files:

  • 3 words – Benghazi, IRS, wire-taps. I guess the second term honeymoon is over.
  • At some point, if it comes out that more and more groups were targeted by the IRS, you’ll have to admit that it’ll end with them targeting most people, which is pretty much what they’ve done forever anyway.
  • There was an inflight crash at an airport this week. No not my flight thankfully. No one was hurt and in fact it was totally cool!
  • This was a pretty good read re Benghazi.
  • For the record, I’m a registered Independent. I research and vote truly independent of party lines. In theory, I do my best to vote for whomever I believe is really best for that particular office. I wish more people would do that too. Just remember, all political parties have nut jobs. All political parties have strengths and weaknesses. If you don’t agree, you’re ignorant.
    Open your mind to other’s points of view. In the least, it will allow you to defend your view better. And, perhaps, you may find that you actually agree with some of what others have to say.
    P.S. – this goes in all aspects of life. It’s called listening to others. Try it for a change.

On that note, I’m outta here. This has been a long week. And, stay tuned for Part 3 of the week in travels coming soon…

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On the road again. Part 2 – The Destination.

Posted on May 16, 2013 by

This week I’ve been traveling for work and thought it would be a good opportunity to provide my thoughts, as random as they may be, about this long strange trip I’m on. You can find Part 1 here.

This is part 2 – The Destination.

  • Turns out a coworker was on my flight.
    Let’s share a cab to save $’s – I mentioned.
    CW – Sure, let me just collect my bag from the carousel and we’ll be off.
    Me – You checked your bag? <sucker>
  • Taxi driver – How would you like me to get to the hotel?
    Me – Umm, how about cheap, fast and most importantly alive without obtaining any diseases from your back seat?
  • Hotels now charge no less than 3 separate taxes and a “resort fee”. Look I’m here on business, barely ever in my room, why don’t you call the resort fee what it is…another tax!
  • At least the room is clean. Or is it…how do I really know? Wonder if I can get one of those black light’s they use on CSI in the gift shop? On second thought, I really don’t want to know.
  • Also, what the fuck is with providing 2 bottles of water for “my convenience and hydration” in my room for a mere $8 per bottle and yet having no in-room coffee?
  • Hotels – What’s the deal with putting those hotel soaps in super tight plastic wrap that only someone with a cocaine pinky nail or a pocket knife could open? OH, but I don’t do coke and they took my knife at security…drats.
  • Time to iron Kid 1′s pants which I’ve confiscated. You didn’t think I would have done this before leaving did you?
    Hotel ironing boards…are they made for people who are 5 foot nothing?
    Hotel irons…when I say I want the “steam” setting I don’t want it to drip all over my clothes like an 85 year old man trying to take a leak.iron-man-iron[1]
  • It’s now breakfast time! Bend over and cough up your $18 for a continental buffet consisting of mostly defrosted fruit bits, doughy stale croissant’s and a “fun size” box of Trix cereal. FYI, it’s for freaking kids, not adults!
    Oh, and don’t forget to tip the staff!
  • Off to the big important meetings. Funny, whether back at corporate on the road at the regional office or at a customer’s site all meetings are the same.
  • “We’re running behind. Do you mind if we work through lunch?”
    Me – Gee now why would I, as the one who will have to present while you all eat, mind?”
  • Hey since breakfast was a bagel likely fondled by half those who got to the buffet before me and lunch turned out to be all the leftovers others didn’t want while I was presenting can we get a real dinner?
  • Let’s see…the only thing that fits into my company’s approved dinner meal expense is Taco Bell. Screw it, I’m hitting the bar and I’ll figure out dinner later.
  • 10pm super hungry and quite buzzed. Well, the hotel diner is open for To Go food. Salad…other salad and what looks like a breakfast burritto (need to keep that in mind for tomorrow, but no way I’m eating it now). Salad it is!
  • Back in my room…SHIT no utensils?!?!
    The diner is like a quarter mile walk down my hall (last room on the floor of course), down the elevator and another quarter mile walk down the same freaking hall.
    Too far.
    Damn, I’m so hungry; should I just use my hands? That’ll be too messy.
    Hey! I remember seeing someone’s Room Service tray on the floor outside their door. Maybe I can grab their fork and clean it in my sink.
    That’s pretty sick actually…plus, the soap thing again.
    Hey look! I’ve got it! The tongs from the ice cube bucket!
    It’ll be like super big metal chopsticks!
    Fusion Salad!
  • Turns out Kid 1′s waist is a tad thinner than mine (shocking I know). Pretty sure I know what it’s like to have lap band surgery now.
  • Time for bed. Knowing how dry this hotel room air is, I’m going to need water.
    This is going to be the best $8 bottle of Aquafina I’ve ever had.
    Expenses be dammed!

To be continued…

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On the road again. Part 1 – The Departure

Posted on May 15, 2013 by

This week I’ve been traveling for work and thought it would be a good opportunity to provide my thoughts, as random as they may be, about this long strange trip I’m on.

  • Packing. I hate, hate, hate packing. So after much procrastination, I finally start to pack for the week. At 10 pm the night before. SHIT!
    Me – Hey honey…psst…honey are you awake?
    Honey – I am now. And, no even though you are going away for the week I don’t feel like sexy time.
    Me – No? Wait, seriously, where’s my pants?
    Honey – In the closet like the always.
    Me – I need my good black ones, did you get them from the dry cleaner?
    Honey – Oh, those weren’t done yet.
    Me – What?! I NEED them.
    Honey – Well, go raid kid 1′s closet…after all he takes your clothes all the time <heehee>.
    …
    Kid 1 – here you go…sorry they were rolled up on the bottom of my closet. You’ll need to iron them.
  • After a crappy sleep because I didn’t trust the 3 alarms I set and thought I’d miss my early morning flight, I finally wake up. Mental note – never, ever, ever schedule the pre-ass-crack-of-dawn-early flight again.
  • Well at least there’s no traffic at pre-ass-crack-of-dawn-early.
  • Best go to Long Term Parking to save a buck for the man.
    Aisle 1.
    Aisle 2.
    Aisle 3. Shit there’s no spots!
    Aisle 4…There’s one! Mental note: I’m parked in section J.
  • And, the bus to the terminal arrives finally. Only 6 more stops until I get to the terminal. Tons of empty seats and only 4 people on this bus. And of course the large dude getting on at stop 5 has to sit in the seat next to me. Personal space dammit!
    At least it’s early and he doesn’t stink too.
  • Check-in counter. Hey Southwest, when are you going to use those fancy smartphone apps that have your boarding pass on them so I can go straight to the gate?
    Counter helper – Any bags to check sir?
    Me – Checking bags is for suckers…NO.
    Bags fly free on Southwest, but if you’re on another airline they charge. Don’t check it. Take it to the gate and IF they run out of space they’ll check it for free. #ProTip.
  • Airport security is always a pain in the rear. Shockingly they aren’t checking “there” yet. Although I will say that after the Shoe Bomber we all had to start taking our shoes off, so is it really a stretch? Just saying.
  • TSA – sir what do you have in your back pocket?
    Me – you mean my boarding pass?
    TSA – ugh, I’m going to have to pat you down.
    Me – for a boarding pass? It’s a piece of paper.
    TSA – well it set off our scanner.
    Me <accepts their molestation as I do not want to end up in shackles and the bitch of some dude name “Tiny” in the local jail>.
  • Related, I have never taken the liquids in my bathroom bag out to be scanned in their little ziploc bag. EVER.
    And, yet the one piece of paper that EVERY traveler has on their person AND is required to get through security is the one thing that set’s off alarms indicating I may be some terrorist.
    Nice job TSA.
  • So, kids under 12 don’t have to take off their shoes. But of course that 13 year old is a danger to everyone. And, as kids under 16 don’t need a picture ID how the heck does the Lt Cmdr TSA know that they are not 13?
  • I also noticed a sign this week stating that if you are over 75 you don’t have to take off your “light” jacket.
    1. How do we define a light jacket? Is it similar to TSA’s definition of a “small knife“? A light jacket = one that weighs no more than 18.78 ounces dry.
    2. It does kinda make sense as if you are an over 75 suicide bomber who is still alive you’re clearly not too good at your trade, so the risk assessment is quite low.
  • Living in the Silicon Valley there are a geeks everywhere. And, going through security is a great place to witness them in all their glory, because they need to empty their pockets of all their tools of the geek trade. Turns out there’s a new crescent wrench in the geek’s tool box these days. For those who have trouble keeping their stuff charged, there’s the Solar Powered backpack. Because the geeks are always out hiking in the sunny outdoors vs. sitting in the sterile fluorescent lit land of cubes.
  • How is it that a direct flight that gets me to where I’m going 3-4 hours sooner than a non-direct flight, but costs $100 more than the non-direct flight is “Out Of The Corporate Policy” and rejected? What’s my time worth you to bozos? Wait don’t answer that.

sb2114989_man_at_airportTo be continued….

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Happy Mother’s Day

Posted on May 12, 2013 by

Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom, Mrs. CV and all of my readers who are Mom’s.

orchid-pot-gift

P.S. Only 34 shopping days until Father’s Day.images

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The Weekly TPS Report – May 10

Posted on May 10, 2013 by

Wrapping up the week that was…

  • People whose biggest decision last Sunday was centered on “Should we celebrate Cinco de Mayo at Chevy’s or Chili’s” should’ve just stayed home.
  • Quote of the day on Cinco de Mayo, which if you need a reminder was on a Sunday:
    If you’re gonna be hungover on a Monday you might as well be horse too so you don’t have to hear yourself.
  • You know you’re a captain in the nerd army when you have a backpack with a built in solar panel to charge all your geek tools of the trade.

In this week’s News Ripped from the Headlines:

  • There are many places I’d like to live, but this week I added a new one to the list of places I’d never live.
    The neighborhood where that dude kept 3 women held up for over a decade. Seriously neighbors, how could you not notice something odd going on for that long? Clearly they don’t have many block parties.
  • Benghazi. The fact that 4 people lost their lives sucks. The cover up, to down play what was really going on there and what it looks like really happened, is what’s going to bring a bunch of government peeps down. Don’t believe me…see Watergate.
  • Randy Jackson is leaving American Idol. He’s the last of the originals and clearly the one with the worst agent.
  • The Governor of New Jersey and one of the front runners for the next Republican to attempt a White House run, had stomach surgery in an attempt to get his hugeness under control and get healthier.
    I applaud him for this, but not everyone is happy. The White House had been planning to double the kitchen staff and now all hiring is on hold.
  • In the “Your Tax $’s at Work” files, and other health news…
    Obamacare is coming and the infrastructure build out is starting. The department of Health and Human Services is planning to spend $150m  just to teach people how to apply for the program. However, since the State of Colorado alone has already spent $61m and is asking for another $125m, I’m guessing the HHS has drastically underestimated what it will take.
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The Weekly TPS Report – May 3

Posted on May 3, 2013 by

Sweet it’s Cinco de Mayo weekend. This combines a few of my favorite things: Mexican food and tequila with Corona chasers.

I think Monday is going to be extra ugly next week.

But, before we start doing shots lets wrap up this week.

  • Speaking of drinking, charity events with lots of alcohol are the best, because it’s for the kids.
  • There’s not much worse than trying to enter in a captcha on a website using an iPhone and dealing with autocorrect.
  • If you’ve never had a PB&J with plain Lays potato chips in the middle of the sandwich I ask, what’s wrong with you?
  • So a meth addict left me a voice mail this week. Of him singing. Freaking weird world we live in.

In this week’s Ripped From the Headlines file:

  • I don’t deny that the wealth gap between the haves and have nots in The States exists, is growing and is a problem, but according to this study the average white family in the US has a net worth of over $632,000. I don’t buy that at all-it just seems too high. And it’s clear this study wasn’t conducted within 10 miles of a Walmart, which pretty much means it’s bogus since they are everywhere. Seriously though, what do you think?
  • Much of the US political system (and much of the world for that matter) is pretty screwed up, but California is a special kind of F’d up. After all its not many states that spend $35m per mile for a train that goes from nowhere to just south of nowhere. Well at least our lovely Senator Feinstein will make a good profit and helping the expansion of the wealth gap.
  • This week Google released it’s iOS version of Google Now – an app that expands upon the Google search app giving you real-time weather, traffic on your commute route, sports scores, etc. It sounded cool so I got it. And, it WAS! Shocking I know as most of my readers realize I’m not a fan of the big G…Google…Government…coincidence? I think not. But, it’s good and I’m a geek at heart. Later that night I noticed my iPhone’s GPS icon on…hmmm. I closed ALL my apps manually and…still on. Here’s an example:
    Follow red arrow to little white arrow. ON!

    Follow red arrow to little white arrow. ON!

    Turns out others had this issue too and were vocal about it on the inter webs…along with the expected battery drain that would accompany the GPS being on constantly. Google is constantly tracking where I go? Say it ain’t so (insert eye rolls here). Google has denied it of course. Google Now is now deleted.
    Do. Not. Trust. Google.

  • Back in the day I must admit that Kris Kross made me Jump. Yes, it happened. I musta been drunk. It was a rough time in my life. I’m sure there’s some excuse…probably not. Turns out Kris (Chris Kelly was his real name) died this week. He was 34. He and his backward dressing partner were pretty much one hit wonders. If you are under the age of 20 it’s likely you have virtually no clue who this dude was. If you are over 20 and under 45 you probably have heard the song. Over 45…wait who died?Anyone dying is sad. Ok not serial killers, rapists and other devil reincarnations, they can go ahead and die. But, my point is this. Why did this make all the Breaking News cycles the other day? Front page of CNN…Fox…NBC and all the other 3 letter networks, magazines, etc.? Not to mention being all over the Tweeter Machine.We have major events going on daily like a very, very likely Benghazi cover-up at the highest offices of our land. People are killing other people on an almost daily basis in our malls, schools, movie theaters, airports and yes marathons. There are tons of people still homeless after the big winter storms in NY, NJ, etc.And, most important, we have soldiers dying every day in multiple godforsaken sand countries around this globe (hello Syria…are you going to be putting out the welcome mat for us soon too?).

    Let’s keep things in perspective. Kris (Chris) rest in peace. I’m sure your family and friends will miss you terribly. But, perhaps our news outlets could focus on some real news that will actually impact EACH of us for a change.

And with that, my rant is now over…time for some tequila and Coronas.

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So a meth addict sings me a song

Posted on May 2, 2013 by

I’m very much not a voice mail type of a person. Look, if you call me and I don’t answer, don’t bother leaving a voice mail just send me an email or text me (so I can ignore you on my own time).

That said, for those who haven’t embraced the 21st century and still leave me voice mails, I’ve got a tool to help me deal with them which translates the voice mail into text and sends it to me in my email.

Many of you have this as well and I spoke of it a few weeks back when I got a call, and subsequent voice mail, from the toilet.

That’s pretty much disturbing enough to push me away from answering the phone ever again. But, last night I got another voice mail that, while not from the toilet, just may have been from a meth addict.

Maybe he’s making meth in the bathroom?

20130502-093546.jpg

Also, for some reason after reading the above all I can think of is a song that goes a little something like this:

“Na na na na…na na na na…hey hey hey…good bye…”

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Hey Baby, Is That a Bullet Train In Your Pocket?

Posted on May 1, 2013 by

Or, are you just happy to see me?

So, it turns out our company has a nepotism policy. What’s nepotism? No, it’s not that stuff your mom put on cuts you got when you were young.

According to my trusty…dusty…dictionary on the shelf – OK I just lied now; who still has, let alone uses an actual dictionary? Actually, I just Googled it like any lazy bastard does these days. Also, what’s the over/under on the number of comments I’ll get from people saying they have AND still use an actual book-like dictionary? I say 5. And, I’m taking the Under.

Back to the story… Continue reading →

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