How To Get Your Boss to Order Office Snacks

The other day I was eating lunch and I was thinking, “hey wouldn’t it be great if we had office snacks?” Then I looked to my right shoulder and the little devil standing there yelled, “heck yeah it’d be awesome if we had office snacks!

Now I must have been thinking out loud because the guy from HR, I forget his name but I’ll call him George because he looks like a George. He starts on about how bad corn syrup and other ingredients are for you (turns out they actually are). He goes on and on about something else involving meat and how it’s poison. That’s where I tuned out and where this idea came to me.

IMAGE: http://www.collegehumor.com/post/7022451/working-in-an-office-vs-freelancing?ref=homepage

Last week we had this feel good get together in the meeting room. What I like to call “zone out time” or “paid-to-nap-time”. That’s where the lady from human resources comes in and gives some spiel to the whole office about health, how to sit at our desk properly, how to talk to customers and what not. I swear it’s some ridiculous topic each week.

I can’t say I remember much of what she said last week. However, I do remember one thing. The health initiative.  Do I need to bring up the position title changes again? Almost as equally un-important as that Obama health initiative. I’m sure the President gets a kick out of throwing her that bone.

The health initiative is something the home office is wanting to do. Who knows the real reason, but they say it’s because they want everyone to feel better and to be healthier. My heart tells me it sounds good. My head tells me it’s BS and just some project the people at the home office are doing to use up some play money.

But I digress.

I’m sitting there, chomping down the last half of my ham and swiss and it hits me like one of those cool drops in a dubstep song. My head even starts bobbing as I think it through.

I finished my lunch and stroll over to human resources. Cubicles, and more cubicles. But you can tell you’re in human resources because there’s this weird yellow light and everyone is wearing sweaters and phone headsets.

Recognizing a face I know, I’ll call her Jill for this blog’s sake, I chat her up. Then I get on the topic of office snacks.

I start rattling off some real baloney about how the snacks in the office are filled with corn syrup and bad ingredients, like I know what the heck I’m talking about. I pull this pack of corn nuts or whatever it was out of my pocket and I show her the nutritional info on the back. She gets this surprised look across her face as I’m talking.

Then I bring up the genius part. The part where I get the snacks I want and human resources fulfills their noble duty to health-itize the workplace.

Jerky lady! Let’s get some jerky up in here.

Those weren’t my exact words, but that is essentially what I said. That morning I had been looking at this company JerkySpot’s Facebook update and it was the perfect thing to plug into this situation. I’ve been eating their stuff for about a year and now it was time to bring it into the office. Only difference is, I’m not buying.

We’re talking for about 15 minutes and then before I know it, she’s got the company credit card out and we’re loading up an order with all sorts of bulk beef jerky. I swear we must have ordered an entire pallet of the stuff while I was standing there. I’m talking about all my favorite brands Ostrim, Damn Good jerky, Mingua jerky and maybe 6 other brands I hadn’t even tried yet.

Then this lady from PR sees some new product they have and she’s like, “That thing looks cool. We could make our own jerky for the company party.” Now, I think she was just buying The Judge Jerky Gun because she’s going to take it home and use it for her own evil means. But to each their own.

After all, I’m the master manipulator here putting this whole thing in motion and getting the office snacks I want, at the company’s expense.

What Happens In The Cubicle, Stays In The Cubicle

-The Cubicle Views

Office Politics: We Changed Your Job Title

If you’ve worked in any corporation, then you might be familiar with this madness.

Some guy at the ‘top’ of the company, some exec reads a book about culture and synergy and he gets pumped up on a high. In fact, he starts changing things left and right. Then he gets a bug up his pant leg and he looks at the company structure.

Does he want to change the structure of the company? No, that would be hard. What he wants to do is what I’ve seen so much of at so many companies I’ve worked for – changing position titles.

Instead of calling it Customer Service, now it’s called Customer Success. Or we’re calling it Customer Triumph.

It’s like someone in the company has the job to find a thesaurus and then figure out a different, better seeming word for service, or management or whatever they’re renaming.

What’s sadly funny is when customers have to interact with this re-naming of common job titles.

Customer: “I want to talk to customer service please.”

You: “Sorry, we don’t have a customer service department anymore”

CLICK – the customer hangs up.

You: “We’re calling it customer success now. And it’s the best thing since sliced bread!”

You: “Hello”

It seems like a great idea to rename positions and it might make everyone feel really good about themselves, but in practice it ends up just confusing people.

15 Minutes, Then Get Up, Run Around, Then Sit Down Again

Us office workers have it hard. We sit on our rear ends and work from 9AM to 5PM everyday. Then we come back and do it over and over again until we retire.

But there is apparently a silent but deadly danger lurking right beneath you.

Sitting.

Some info over at lifehacker claims that regular sitting is killing people left and right. It’s supposed to lead to all kinds of cardiovascular problems and it’s eroding your body as we speak.

So if you can’t sit, then what are you supposed to do?

Obviously, standing is a good idea. Or that is what I’ve read. However, if you’ve worked in an office then you know how ridiculous this can be in practice. I compare it to telling a construction worker to take a 15 minute nap every 2 hours he’s working. Or asking an athlete to take it easy.

That’s why I’ve invented an exercise to help all my office bros and chicas around the world live longer. I call it the cheek flex and you won’t even have to get up. What I do is curl my toes about once every 20 minutes. Then I flex my right cheek, then the left, then the right again until I’m feeling limber.

Then tap, tap, tap, I’m typing again.

16 Office Workers Win $58 Million & Again Why Do I Read The News?

Back when I was doing social work, helping troubled youth who’d been kicked out on the street or who had gone through hell and back, I used to participate in the office lottery. Becky or Barbara or whatever the heck her name was, would load up on funds from around the office, and then she’d go drop $30 in lottery tickets for the whole office.

My first week at the job i was so excited with this activity. Yippie, I thought. My chances of winning were huge. Or so I though. About 3 years later I quit working there and I started working as a head hunter.

But I’ll never forget the money wasted on all that office hysteria and how I’ll never do it again for a few reasons.

The first reason is because now whenever I read news like this, 16 office workers win $58 million dollars and now they have to figure out where to cash a big check. Every time I read these stories about super big winnings, I get a little depressed to say the least.

For those people, they have a ‘way out’ of office life. Escape from the cubicle view and probably a comfy rest of their life sipping fruity drinks on some beach somewhere.

It urks me because I still hold out hope that it’s a potential option for getting out of the cubicle. When in reality, offices all over the world are probably dropping group funds on tickets each week. The odds of winning are slim to none. In fact, I used to know a guy who could afford to spend $50 each week on tickets and the most he’s ever won is $100. But he holds out hope that he’ll win – otherwise he wouldn’t even try.

So here’s my life-hack, if you can call it that for every office worker who wants to get out of their cubicle. Stop wasting your $5 a week or $50 a month or whatever you’re spending on these dang tickets. It’s a crap shoot.

If you really want to get out of the cubicle, upgrade your skills. Spend that $50 learning a new skill-set. Put it into practice. Gain some competency and get your butt out of the office.