Repost: The Planets Have Aligned!

Posted on June 14, 2013 by

The following was originally posted June 14, 2012, but deserves to be resurrected today since it’s a double-whammy holiday!

*******

Today is Flag Day. A day where we celebrate that good ol’ red, white and blue banner. I for one fly my stars and stripes year ’round…I love America. Yes, I’m patriotic. It may have issues and some may say it’s broken, but it’s the best in my opinion.

But, did you know that today is not only Flag Day, but it’s also another treasured “Day”? Today is also National Bourbon Day!

As you all know I also love me some whiskey.

Note: all bourbons are whiskeys but not all whiskeys are bourbons…go ahead…Google it…I’ll wait.

So, today I salute you Old Glory and Bourbon. Cheers!

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The Weekly TPS Report – June 14

Posted on June 14, 2013 by

As you may have noticed (well I hope at least someone noticed) I haven’t written a real post in a bit. Kinda going through one of those funks where life is getting in the way of living.

Well, I hope to be back to my usual self soon. But, in the meantime please enjoy (or at least humor me and read) this week’s wrap-up and other random thoughts.

  • This week has been nothing but one interruption after another. It seems like every 5 minutes someone drops by to “see if I have a minute”. Well, I did, but everyone’s used them up unfortunately.
  • I’m not sure what the scientific reason is, but as soon as it became June it would seem no one remembers what lane lines are for on my commute.
  • “I thought you were moving ahead with the project.” -Sr. VP Bossman
    “Well last we left it, you had yet to approved the project yet. Are we good to go?” -Me
    “My lack of response meant it was approved. – Sr. VP Bossman
    Obviously I missed Advanced Mind Reading some where between Kindergarden and Graduate School.
  • Ever have problems with an annoying coworker who won’t shut the fuck up and is always on volume level 11 (it’s one better than 10)? Well I think I’ve got the solution.
    Dog Shock Collars for Coworkers.
    Think about it.
    imagesOf course it’ll come with a smart phone app too so you don’t need to get too close to the corporate a-hole.

In this week’s Ripped From the Headlines files:

  • Apple announces it’s upcoming iOS 7 with big fan fare at their big developer conference this week. In typical Apple fashion they put out a killer presentation and video showcasing their operating system not due for months on their public website.
    Contrast that with how my company freaks out if someone has a grainy screen shot of some beta product on a powerpoint slide.
    Apple we are not.
  • In California we have the death penalty. But, we don’t do things the usual way. This is our version: House a guy for 20 something years and allow him to marry some nut job and wait for him to die of natural causes. Well at least the fucker is gone.
  • I can’t remember, what was this week’s Obama administration scandal? This is getting complicated.
  • Speaking of Obama, we’re getting closer to Obamacare hitting the streets. Yet, it seems many of our lawmakers are starting to realize that they too will be f’d when it becomes reality. So, what are they going to do? Well get outta dodge of course!
  • So, let me get this straight. The guy who broke the 3rd…4th…5th? scandal of the Spring is a 29 year old who got his GED, was making $200k, living in Hawaii with his girlfriend who just so happens to be a ballerina pole dancer? So, other than I didn’t have to flee to Hong Kong, we’re pretty much the same.
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The Weekly TPS Report – June 7

Posted on June 7, 2013 by

This week’s TPS Report will not be available due to PTO with the kids on the first day of summer vacation.

For those still working today: Have fun stormin the cubicle!

Regularly scheduled reports will resume shortly.

P.S. Who knows where Mom left the sunscreen?

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The Weekly TPS Report – May 31

Posted on May 31, 2013 by

How was your week? Mine, though short, was long. As a coworker mentioned to me, pretty much summing up the office environment: Same clowns, just a different circus.

Before we move on to June (what the?) let’s wrap up the week and month of May.

  • Memorial Day – a day where we honor those who fought for our freedom, but are no longer with us.
    Let’s not forget to honor those who are fighting for us now and are still with us today. Next time you see a soldier, take your nose out of your smartphone for one second, stop and just give a simple “Thanks”.
  • It also seems that the only way I can avoid angry customer escalations even during a long Memorial Day weekend is to be one of those who has been memorialized.
  • I’m so glad I grew up in a time without the internet and cameras everywhere. Kids today are going to have it rough.
  • I’ve come to realize that there are only two kinds of people in this world. Unfortunately, most of my coworkers are neither.
  • I’m pretty sure that my dry cleaner puts a little super glue in the button holes on the cuffs of my dress shirts just to frustrate me and piss me off.
  • A coworker told me they were excited to go on a cruise and asked if I’d ever been. I told her, “No, I’m not really interested in a torturous death vacation, but have fun on your trip!”
    Not sure she found the humor in that.

In this week’s Ripped From The Headlines files:

  • If you think we still live in the “Land of the free” you are sorely mistaken.
    This story is ridiculous, but all to common. To do virtually anything these days you need to get the permission of the government. In this case it would seem that since the park-goers were not wearing shorts, they weren’t allowed to take pictures.
  • Get ready folks, the Syrian region is about one itchy trigger finger away from creating a massive war. Unfortunately, we can’t just let them all blow each other to hell.
  • I believe you this time Mr. Holder. I’m sure the last time you lied on the national stage will be the last. How is it that this guy hasn’t been fired yet?
  • I for one can’t wait for Obamacare to come. I mean, it’ll be great to have the government, in all it’s bloated greatness, run healthcare for all. They’ve done so well with taxes and the IRS as recent examples have shown, I’m sure they’ll do a bang up job with our health. And, it will cost us all less! Except those of us in California. But, hey we Californians are used to paying more for everything. I’m sure the rest of you will save money…

Bring on June!

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A Cubicle Service Announcement

post-it-note-l

Image | Posted on May 30, 2013 by | 6 Comments

The Weekly TPS Report – May 24

Posted on May 24, 2013 by

WoooHooo! It’s a long weekend baby! The shit we live for. But, let’s put a nice bow old brown paper lunch bag on this week.

A few items from my bucket list:

  1. “CV, I have the President on hold for you…”
  2. Answering the phone, perhaps the same call above from the President, “CV, listen is this a secure line?”
  3. “And, the winner is…CV!” – delivered by some hot actress who will steal all the headlines from me for wearing her totally inappropriate dress.
  4. My own personal Wiki page, that most likely is more interesting than my actual life.
  5. A dog trained to bring me coffee in bed on weekends as well as being a former military dog hero.
  6. Receiving a text saying - The mission is a go. REPEAT, it’s a GO!
  • Finally recovered from last week’s travel escapades. You can read about Part 3 here.
  • Am I the only one who thinks Mackelmore is Vanilla Ice’s little brother?
  • In case you missed it, I reposted a blog from a year ago when I was given the opportunity to give the commencement speech to a bunch of college graduates. OK, so it was for the online University of Walla Walla’s, but any who, I think they were words of wisdom.

In this week’s Ripped From the Headlines files:

  • Whether people would admit it or not, it’s pretty much fact that for many, many years the press has been very biased toward the democratic agenda. But, that pendulum is swinging heavily this past couple of weeks. Why? Perhaps having our government getting caught spying on our own press, tapping reporters (and the parents of said reporter) phones, etc.
    Why were you tapping their phones? To hear them continue to praise your every move and blame Republicans for everything? All you needed to do was watch the evening news or read the paper.
    What’s that saying again?

Hell hath no fury like a reporter treated like a criminal?

  • I really hope that those who live in Oklahoma recover quickly.
  • I can’t wait until Newsroom returns for it’s second season on HBO this summer. If you haven’t checked it out yet, TOTALLY WORTH IT!
    And, with all the scandals happening in Washington lately, it’s clear they’ll have a Season 3, 4…
  • I was watching the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame replay on HBO the other night. RUSH!
    Also, I had forgotten how hot Nancy Wilson of Heart was.
    Perhaps The Boy will look back years from now and say the same of this girl. She kicks some serious Eddie Van Halen ass in this clip. You go girl!

For those in the US enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. Remember the prime reason for this holiday – all those who lost their lives serving our country to give us the life we enjoy  today.

Military peeps...I salute you!

Military peeps…I salute you!

And, if you aren’t from the US, don’t call us on Monday…we’ll be closed.

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Repost – My Commencement Speech

Posted on May 22, 2013 by

This was originally posted about a year ago, but with many kids putting on the cap and gown and getting ready to head into the “real world” it’s still just as relevant today. And, as I have many new followers who maybe haven’t seen this before, I thought you’d enjoy how I might have given a commencement speech.
If I were asked to give one that is.

Enjoy.

********

Talking with my kids tonight it hit me that there is only a couple weeks left in the school year. And, while they are a ways off from graduation and moving on (Unfortunately? Fortunately? Whatever), it got me to thinking back…long back to when I was graduating high school and later college. There was so much excitement to move on to the “next chapter” of my life.

After all these years, I’d like to think I’ve acquired some wisdom. Perhaps misguided wisdom, but nonetheless my experiences have gotten me to where I am today.

You all know that I like to “give back” to the world via my Dear CV segment (btw, it’s been awhile since y’all have sent me any pleas for help…hint…). So, I thought it appropriate to give my version of the Commencement Speech. There have been some doozies over time and, while I could never live up to the likes of Steve Jobs’ version I’d like to think I have something to offer to those who are about to venture out into the real world.

So, without further ado I bring you: CV’s Commencement Speech.

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On the road again. Part 3 – Homeward Bound

Posted on May 20, 2013 by

After a  long week on the road for your job the first thing you want to do when it’s the last day of the trip is get outta dodge. Unfortunately, I still had a rather full day of being a prostitute for my pimp, otherwise known as the company I work for and my bossman.

The week had been going great so far. Well, in this case great means wearing teenage boy pants, eating a salad with ice cube tongs at a time when most people were sound asleep and of course the biggest thing of all – no coffee in my hotel room! I still call bullshit.

Part 1 and Part 2 go into more detail about these adventures.
OK, now that the we’ve done the obligatory, “Previously on CV’s travel adventures” lead in, let’s catch up with our hero (me) on the final leg of this long and winding road trip.

  • I awoke in one of the two double beds in my room. The one on the left, as I had slept in the one on the right the previous night…just…because…I…could.
  • With a little while before the first meetings of the day, it made sense to put on the workout clothes and lace up the running shoes.
    Dash out the door. Down the hall and pause for the elevator. Pause. Pause. Is this freaking thing going to stop at every floor?
    Finally at the first floor, I was off.
    Down the hall toward the lobby and the front door.
    Coffee Stand!
    Wait you didn’t think I was actually going for a run did you?
    Silly readers.
  • Workout done. Coffee obtained. And, now time to pack up.
    Open suitcase.
    Grab all clothes not wearing today and shove them in.
    Done.
  • Halfway through meeting number one, my coworker travel partner,  you may remember him as the sucker bag checker, announces, “welp I’ve gotta head to the airport for an early flight, but I’m going to leave you in good hands with CV.”
    Bullshit!
    Looks like I’m presenting during lunch again.
  • Two hours later, my trusty iPhone makes that familiar noise
    BUZZ.  BUZZ.photo
    Asshole.
  • Yet, I will use this advice to my advantage.
    “Folks, it would seem that the security lines are huge. If I don’t get home tonight Mrs. CV will not be happy. An unhappy Mrs and well…’nuff said folks.”
  • And, I was off!
    TAXI!
    …
    TAXI!!!!
    …<really?>…
    TAXI!!!!!!!!
    And, NOW I’m off.
  • Taxi dude (use the Kwik-E-Mart guy from the Simpsons voice): Hello boss, what airline?
    Me: Southwest.
    Taxi dude: Oh that is unfortunate. I hope you get some food first.
    Me: Yeah, thanks for the advice <jackass>.
  • Taxi dude (still use the voice please): That’ll be $44 boss. Plus tip of course.
    Me: (rolls eyes) OK, I’m going to charge it.
    Taxi dude: Ummm you don’t have cash?
    Me: Not enough.
    Taxi dude: (huge sigh) OK boss. Swipe card.
  • At the counter…
    “Will you be checking bags?”
    Me: No. Checking bags is for…No, I’m carrying on.
    “That’ll be Gate 47 in Terminal C.”
  • OK, I’m here 2.5 hours ahead. This has got to be enough time even with hellacious security lines that Sucker Bag Checker warned.
    Two escalators later and I rush up to the airports version of Space Mountain ride at Disneyland expecting the worst…
    imagesWhat the? There’s no one here! Is there a problem? I musta gone to the wrong terminal. Nope C. Hmmm, well Sucker Bag Checker was wrong. At least I’ll have plenty of time for food.
  • Shoes off (I’m over 12). Jacket off (I’m under 75). Laptop out.
    “Sir, make sure you don’t have anything in your pockets!”
    Me: Like a boarding pass?
    “Yep that’ll likely set it off!”
    <yeah you’re about to see me set something off – note, I’m only thinking that or I’ll end up the bitch of one Lt. Cmdr. TSA.
  • One escalator, one tram, another escalator and a long walk later and I’m at the heart of Terminal C.
    Alright food and drink are in order as I have a lot of time to kill.
    Thankfully, I get to eat in the bar this time. After all, I already lost my cherry once.
    But, first, I’ve gotta get out of Kid 1′s pants!
  • Ducking into the men’s room <drat the handicap stall is occupied>…into a normal stall.
    Do NOT touch anything!
  • My bathroom stall gymnastics are complete.
    And, somehow I managed to not have a single article of clothing touch anything!

Pro Tip: if any article on your person touches anything in the bathroom at an airport throw it out immediately, whether it’s Louis Vuitton or a T from the Walmart. It can’t be saved.

  • Safely at the sports bar in Terminal C and thankfully there’s one open table.
    Unfortunately, there’s no waiter/waitress so, despite what Lt Cmdr TSA says, I’m leaving my bag unattended in a quest for a Jack and Coke.
  • Observing a line 3 deep, I ask, “Is this the line?”
    Drunkard 20 something girl in yoga pants that would be small on my daughter says, “umm like eeeyeaaah.”
    As we wait in line Drunkard 20 something girl in yoga pants proceeds to tell dude sitting at bar ogling her, “It’s funny because my flight was delayed 3 times and I’ve been in this bar for 6 hours. And, I DON’T even drink!”
    Bartender: what’ll it be this time?
    Drunkard 20 something girl in yoga pants: I’ll have a vodka cranberry and make it a double this time. The line is craaaaazy long!
  • Having downed my club sandwich and a double Jack and Coke x 2 on the advice of the drunkard 20 something girl in yoga pants advice it was time to head to the gate and board the plane.
  • After drinking that much, whether water or alcohol, make sure to have an aisle seat, because you’re gonna need to use the facility. And, again….don’t touch anything.
  • Next thing I remember is landing and having to change planes in some mid-West flyover city. Freaking Southwest.
    And, I’m off again. And, out again…sound asleep.
  • Safely on the ground back home. No bags to claim so it’s straight to the Long Term Parking buses.
    Almost there now. Looking forward to seeing the family.
    “The next stop will serve section’s M, N and S.”
    M, N and S?  Think they skipped a few. Ok whatever.
    images-1I could’ve sworn I was in Section N.
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The Weekly TPS Report – May 17

Posted on May 17, 2013 by

Busy week on the road for work, but happy to be heading home today.

Relative to work, you can read about my travels here in: Part 1 – The Departure and Part 2 – The Destination

Beyond that…

  • Men despite what this says, you should not use it “that” way BKBJ5NlCAAAPASD
  • If you aren’t watching 60 minutes on a weekly basis, you should. Great in-depth stories.
  • Some people take pills when they travel. I self medicate too, but these are my meds of choice.

BKQlIlQCYAA6fnA

  • So Starbucks has a secret menu. Turns out they named one of the drinks after the Trustafarians that use their bathrooms for cleaning up – The Dirty Hippy.
  • Someone asked me this week to review a slide deck for them. It had over 100 slides. So, I told him that I was done. He said, “already?”
    “Yup, it was easy”, I told him.
    “Ok, what changes would you make?”, he asked.
    To which I replied, “delete at least 90 of the slides.”
  • Hey, I appreciate other cultures and the diversity they bring to me. I also love food. But, if you bring Indian food into your cube for lunch you will be met with severe bodily harm.
  • Someone helped me realize a great truth this week.
    Pizza is like sex. Let me explain.
    I think of pizza typically three or more times a day, yet I only get it at most once a week.

In this week’s News Ripped From The Headlines files:

  • 3 words – Benghazi, IRS, wire-taps. I guess the second term honeymoon is over.
  • At some point, if it comes out that more and more groups were targeted by the IRS, you’ll have to admit that it’ll end with them targeting most people, which is pretty much what they’ve done forever anyway.
  • There was an inflight crash at an airport this week. No not my flight thankfully. No one was hurt and in fact it was totally cool!
  • This was a pretty good read re Benghazi.
  • For the record, I’m a registered Independent. I research and vote truly independent of party lines. In theory, I do my best to vote for whomever I believe is really best for that particular office. I wish more people would do that too. Just remember, all political parties have nut jobs. All political parties have strengths and weaknesses. If you don’t agree, you’re ignorant.
    Open your mind to other’s points of view. In the least, it will allow you to defend your view better. And, perhaps, you may find that you actually agree with some of what others have to say.
    P.S. – this goes in all aspects of life. It’s called listening to others. Try it for a change.

On that note, I’m outta here. This has been a long week. And, stay tuned for Part 3 of the week in travels coming soon…

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On the road again. Part 2 – The Destination.

Posted on May 16, 2013 by

This week I’ve been traveling for work and thought it would be a good opportunity to provide my thoughts, as random as they may be, about this long strange trip I’m on. You can find Part 1 here.

This is part 2 – The Destination.

  • Turns out a coworker was on my flight.
    Let’s share a cab to save $’s – I mentioned.
    CW – Sure, let me just collect my bag from the carousel and we’ll be off.
    Me – You checked your bag? <sucker>
  • Taxi driver – How would you like me to get to the hotel?
    Me – Umm, how about cheap, fast and most importantly alive without obtaining any diseases from your back seat?
  • Hotels now charge no less than 3 separate taxes and a “resort fee”. Look I’m here on business, barely ever in my room, why don’t you call the resort fee what it is…another tax!
  • At least the room is clean. Or is it…how do I really know? Wonder if I can get one of those black light’s they use on CSI in the gift shop? On second thought, I really don’t want to know.
  • Also, what the fuck is with providing 2 bottles of water for “my convenience and hydration” in my room for a mere $8 per bottle and yet having no in-room coffee?
  • Hotels – What’s the deal with putting those hotel soaps in super tight plastic wrap that only someone with a cocaine pinky nail or a pocket knife could open? OH, but I don’t do coke and they took my knife at security…drats.
  • Time to iron Kid 1′s pants which I’ve confiscated. You didn’t think I would have done this before leaving did you?
    Hotel ironing boards…are they made for people who are 5 foot nothing?
    Hotel irons…when I say I want the “steam” setting I don’t want it to drip all over my clothes like an 85 year old man trying to take a leak.iron-man-iron[1]
  • It’s now breakfast time! Bend over and cough up your $18 for a continental buffet consisting of mostly defrosted fruit bits, doughy stale croissant’s and a “fun size” box of Trix cereal. FYI, it’s for freaking kids, not adults!
    Oh, and don’t forget to tip the staff!
  • Off to the big important meetings. Funny, whether back at corporate on the road at the regional office or at a customer’s site all meetings are the same.
  • “We’re running behind. Do you mind if we work through lunch?”
    Me – Gee now why would I, as the one who will have to present while you all eat, mind?”
  • Hey since breakfast was a bagel likely fondled by half those who got to the buffet before me and lunch turned out to be all the leftovers others didn’t want while I was presenting can we get a real dinner?
  • Let’s see…the only thing that fits into my company’s approved dinner meal expense is Taco Bell. Screw it, I’m hitting the bar and I’ll figure out dinner later.
  • 10pm super hungry and quite buzzed. Well, the hotel diner is open for To Go food. Salad…other salad and what looks like a breakfast burritto (need to keep that in mind for tomorrow, but no way I’m eating it now). Salad it is!
  • Back in my room…SHIT no utensils?!?!
    The diner is like a quarter mile walk down my hall (last room on the floor of course), down the elevator and another quarter mile walk down the same freaking hall.
    Too far.
    Damn, I’m so hungry; should I just use my hands? That’ll be too messy.
    Hey! I remember seeing someone’s Room Service tray on the floor outside their door. Maybe I can grab their fork and clean it in my sink.
    That’s pretty sick actually…plus, the soap thing again.
    Hey look! I’ve got it! The tongs from the ice cube bucket!
    It’ll be like super big metal chopsticks!
    Fusion Salad!
  • Turns out Kid 1′s waist is a tad thinner than mine (shocking I know). Pretty sure I know what it’s like to have lap band surgery now.
  • Time for bed. Knowing how dry this hotel room air is, I’m going to need water.
    This is going to be the best $8 bottle of Aquafina I’ve ever had.
    Expenses be dammed!

To be continued…

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