How I lost my cherry at 33k feet

Recently I had the pleasure of traveling cross country for business. It’d been a very long week. I was tired and anxious to go home and see the family, sleep in my own bed and hopefully get a little nookie from Mrs CV.

But, like most business trips, I had to put in a full day at our east coast facility prior to boarding that big old jet plane making a long day even longer.

The work day had ended, well at least for my local colleagues who would head home to their families and a date with their significant other, but not me. For me it was dash off to the airport to catch my flight and my opportunity to be violated by TSA. Not quite the nookie experience I had in mind.

Safely through TSA’s lovely high tech take your shoes and coat off now stick your arms over your head and be prepared to be electronically raped machines, I collected my various items and was off toward my gate.

By now it was after 5pm and while not hungry yet I knew I would be somewhere over Missouri during my ~6 hour flight – barring unusual head winds. So, I’d make a quick stop at the Ruby Tuesday Grab & Go for a salad.

A…salad…? Yes, a salad. After all if I’m going to remain a super sexy middle aged rock star to Mrs CV, I needed to eat half decent. So, might as well start here in Terminal A.

Turns out their Chef Salad looks quiet good – sliced turkey, sliced hardboiled egg, bacon mmmm bacon and shredded cheese (2 kinds). Hey, there was lettuce in there…that’s healthy right?

Side note: the package claims to have honey mustard dressing in it too, but the lady at the register said, “hone, you best get one of those dressing packets in the cooler cause it don’t contain no dressing spite what da package says.”
Sound advice.

So I shoved the roughly 6×6 clam shell package of pure health (and packet o’ dressing) into my bag (it is not a purse ok) cause heaven forbid this salad would count as bag #3 of my carry-ons and off to the gate.

I made my way back to 25C…aisle seat! And plopped down. 25A was already there and like many fliers I began to say my prayers.

Please dear God don’t let someone sit in 25B, please, please, please…fingers, toes, eyes crossed.

“Ladies and gentleman, please be seated and buckle up because we are shutting the door.”

At that moment 25A and 25C looked at each other and did a mental “fuck yes!” high five.
It was probably 2 minutes and 30 seconds later and I was out cold dreaming of that nookie in my future.

BING…BING

So much for my slumber.

“Welcome aboard. We’re going to be climbing up to 33 or 35 thousand feet…”

WTF? You’re the captain and you don’t know how high we will be?

“…and it’s going to be pretty bumpy on the way up so were going to hold off on the service for a bit…for your and the flight attendants safety.”

Marvelous. I do not enjoy bumpy. But, at least had my own food. Anyway, I decided to wait a bit to eat and try to catch some more zzzz’s.

BAMM!

And, I’m wide awake. Again.

WTF was that? I think the pilot decided to go from 35k feet to 33k feet in 2 seconds.

Thankfully, a couple minutes later and it smoothed out.

OK, I’m gonna eat. Time to get the salad outta my bag under the seat.
Holy crap, I think the lady in front of me reclined so much I could actually give her a kiss behind her ear without even leaning forward.
Hey, how you doin?!?! 

After some airline seat gymnastics I fished out the plastic clamshell of reasonably healthy goodness.

Hmmm, this thing is so full if I open it, the salad’s likely going to spill out all over. Hmmm, how to do this?
Carefully open up the clamshell….success!

Christ, who was the packaging genius who decided to put a 4″ high salad in a container that when opened is only 2″ high when opened and, is meant to be consumed on a plane traveling over 500mph at 35k, check that 33k feet?

Now to open the dressing – fat free Italian here (gotta stay a lean mean nookie machine).

Clearly the dude who created the salad package had a brother who went to Salad Dressing Package Design School.

“Tear Here”

Bullshit I say!
OK I can do this…

Rip!

And, well lets just say I’ll be properly oiled up for the Mrs CV later.

Hey this salad is pretty good! But, that should come as no surprise…Bacon, duh!

Slowly I picked away at this mound of reasonably healthy goodness.

Hey! Look at that cherry tomatoes! I love cherry tomatoes and whatdayaknow there’s 4 of them!

BAMM! 32k feet.

And, almost simultaneously one of the cherry tomatoes left the 4″ high mountain of reasonably healthy goodness in a 2″ deep plastic clamshell. And, as God as my witness, it hovered in mid air. A levitating cherry tomato 32k feet somewhere over Missouri.

It was magical and I swear, time stood still (great Rush song BTW).

Then…that levitating cherry tomato grew a mind of its own.

Like a 6 year old at Disney Land, it was off!

Down the aisle past rows 26 and 27.

It. Was. Gaining. Speed!

Then I lost it somewhere past row 30, never to be seen again (at least until someone stepped on it).

I looked over at 25A who had witnessed this vegetable (Fruit? Whatever.) miracle and was cracking up.

Before going back to the now abandoned by one, three cherry tomatoes I said to 25A:

“I think I’m gonna need another one of these.”

Take 2 and please don't call me in the morning.

Take 2 and please don’t call me in the morning.

And that my friends is how I lost my cherry (tomato) at 33,000 (or were we at 32k feet?).

Wait…what? Oh come on, you didn’t think this was some “mile high club” story did you?

P.S. I sure hope Mrs CV is still awake when I get home!

About CubicleViews

Observations, thoughts & random bitching about cube life, food, beer, wine, whiskey and sometimes politics. Living the dream in a 6×8 doorless polyester walled cell.
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9 Responses to How I lost my cherry at 33k feet

  1. This had me laughing the whole way through. And hope Mrs. CV was stil awake when you got home!!

  2. free penny press says:

    I would have loved to me a fly on the overhead compartment watching as you wiggle and squirm while trying to eat.. as for the missing tomato, wonder whose shoe it got stuck too? ;-)

    • CubicleViews says:

      Hey thanks a lot. Now every time I get on a plane I’m going to have to scope out the overhead to make sure you aren’t lurking up there and whenever the “ding” happens I’ll look up at that little speaker above me and wonder if you are looking down at me.

      As if I didn’t have enough problems.

      Just kidding…sorta. ;-)

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  5. Ericka C says:

    Elle from This Is Mommyhood sent me here & I’m so thrilled she did. I needed a laugh and you sure gave me one! I had tears rolling down my cheeks as I saw your cherry tomato gain speed. Awesome writing! Consider me a new regular reader.

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