The other day I was eating lunch and I was thinking, “hey wouldn’t it be great if we had office snacks?” Then I looked to my right shoulder and the little devil standing there yelled, “heck yeah it’d be awesome if we had office snacks!”
Now I must have been thinking out loud because the guy from HR, I forget his name but I’ll call him George because he looks like a George. He starts on about how bad corn syrup and other ingredients are for you (turns out they actually are). He goes on and on about something else involving meat and how it’s poison. That’s where I tuned out and where this idea came to me.
Last week we had this feel good get together in the meeting room. What I like to call “zone out time” or “paid-to-nap-time”. That’s where the lady from human resources comes in and gives some spiel to the whole office about health, how to sit at our desk properly, how to talk to customers and what not. I swear it’s some ridiculous topic each week.
I can’t say I remember much of what she said last week. However, I do remember one thing. The health initiative. Do I need to bring up the position title changes again? Almost as equally un-important as that Obama health initiative. I’m sure the President gets a kick out of throwing her that bone.
The health initiative is something the home office is wanting to do. Who knows the real reason, but they say it’s because they want everyone to feel better and to be healthier. My heart tells me it sounds good. My head tells me it’s BS and just some project the people at the home office are doing to use up some play money.
But I digress.
I’m sitting there, chomping down the last half of my ham and swiss and it hits me like one of those cool drops in a dubstep song. My head even starts bobbing as I think it through.
I finished my lunch and stroll over to human resources. Cubicles, and more cubicles. But you can tell you’re in human resources because there’s this weird yellow light and everyone is wearing sweaters and phone headsets.
Recognizing a face I know, I’ll call her Jill for this blog’s sake, I chat her up. Then I get on the topic of office snacks.
I start rattling off some real baloney about how the snacks in the office are filled with corn syrup and bad ingredients, like I know what the heck I’m talking about. I pull this pack of corn nuts or whatever it was out of my pocket and I show her the nutritional info on the back. She gets this surprised look across her face as I’m talking.
Then I bring up the genius part. The part where I get the snacks I want and human resources fulfills their noble duty to health-itize the workplace.
Jerky lady! Let’s get some jerky up in here.
Those weren’t my exact words, but that is essentially what I said. That morning I had been looking at this company JerkySpot’s Facebook update and it was the perfect thing to plug into this situation. I’ve been eating their stuff for about a year and now it was time to bring it into the office. Only difference is, I’m not buying.
We’re talking for about 15 minutes and then before I know it, she’s got the company credit card out and we’re loading up an order with all sorts of bulk beef jerky. I swear we must have ordered an entire pallet of the stuff while I was standing there. I’m talking about all my favorite brands Ostrim, Damn Good jerky, Mingua jerky and maybe 6 other brands I hadn’t even tried yet.
Then this lady from PR sees some new product they have and she’s like, “That thing looks cool. We could make our own jerky for the company party.” Now, I think she was just buying The Judge Jerky Gun because she’s going to take it home and use it for her own evil means. But to each their own.
After all, I’m the master manipulator here putting this whole thing in motion and getting the office snacks I want, at the company’s expense.
What Happens In The Cubicle, Stays In The Cubicle
-The Cubicle Views